Nightmares

Geez it's Feb already. It was as if it was just the beginning of the year, but hey we're already done with one-twelfth of the year! It's been a crazy time for me, oh yea.

I had been having nightmares for quite sometime now and I've been having them lately more often than I used to. A week won't pass without a couple of nights when I'd just wake up feeling breathless and sweaty. In my dream, it would always be something like a dark alley and someone is running after me so I had to run the fastest that I can and all there was was a bright exit, much like if you were in a subway then you go find the end of the tunnel. I don't go to that exit of course, much to my conscious unconsciousness, for fear that that might be the end of life as I know it.

It's so difficult to wake up; in my dream I tell myself, "wake up, wake up!" I feel like screaming so that the sleeping me would wake up but no sound comes out. I feel so stiff but I'm running (weird huh?) and now I dread every single night and I won't go to bed unless I'm almost bumping into my laptop... I fly every flight like a zombie and it gives me terrible migraines...

On Twilight saga

So out of boredom, I stayed at a 24-hour coffee shop nearby the hotel yesterday for about four hours. One pretzel and two grande sized mocha latte mugs later, I've finished my fourth hardbound book of the Twilight saga, Breaking Dawn. What can I say, so much hype, so much hype. Stephenie Meyer, is...okay.

I watched the Twilight movie after I read the book, so as only to compare who I've imagined with who they casted for the roles, the way I did with The Da Vinci Code. Haha.

• Bella - just right
• Charlie - he's okay but I pictured someone a little chubbier
• Edward - not as handsome as they had described in the book, but his acting perfectly suited him; would've casted Sean Faris if he could do the acting
• Carlisle - I don't know who the actor was, but he suits the character
• Esme - with Grey's Anatomy's Ava, hmm... I think she looks too plain for the role, I would've imagined something to the Nicole Kidman-ish elegance
• Rosalie - a major disappointment; the book exudes her as someone so high up the pedestal in terms of beauty; should've been at least Elisha Cuthbert
  
• Emmett - good casting
• Jasper - he looks exactly as described in the book: he looks totally in shock most of the time; Seth Green would do exactly the same thing to me
• Alice - perfect
• Jacob - I couldn't say much about
• Jessica - so highschool, like her character
• Eric - I didn't know he was supposedly Asian
• Mike - a little frail looking than I would've thought
• Angela - I imagined she was white, sorry
• James - he's okay-ish, the acting did it

And for the future semi-major roles, here's my imagination going on again...

• Victoria - Alyssa Milano or something, the one in Twilight didn't really register in my head; she's that forgettable, or say, the one who played Jean Grey in The X-men movies
• Jane - I can't imagine a pretty frail looking actress but then again, maybe Amy Adams can do this
• The Volturi - I have no idea
• Renesmee - a younger Abigail Breslin
• Sam - I couldn't really imagine for those American Indian characters...

Oh well that's all for now. Til the next movie.

A plane crashes

I was aboard a bus the night (at least in Seoul) that the US Airways flight 1549 crashed morning in Hudson River. I was absently looking at the television on the bus when a submerged airplane came on. It perked me up--that being a big deal to my work. Of course, I didn't understand a single thing as the news was in Korean. As I got to my hotel room the first thing I did was browse the net for news. Pretty soon enough Jack, my batchmate/workmate, had already sent a news excerpt to our Yahoo! groups email.

As flight attendants, we should have had been worried, scared even, that planes go crashing. But instead we were like, "OMG that was so good!" We were trained to evacuate a water landing, that's right, but history shows that water landings aren't actually that survivable. Especially for big aircrafts, a water landing could mean disaster as most big planes would break in half if the landing isn't very much controlled. The plane had to glide like paper before it hits the water or else it break and simply crash. The plane on flight 1549 is relatively small, but the pilot and crew did an excellent job. Every other flight attendant is sure wishing now to be able to be as calm as the crew on that flight if it becomes our turn to do our evacuation procedures.

Kudos to the crew of flight 1549 and more power to US Airways. :)

Getting on my nerves

It's really been difficult focusing on work lately. I dunno if it's just me or the fuckin' Korean culture is getting on my nerves again. Yesterday I flew and got blamed for something I didn't do, simply because they thought I did it cause none of them Koreans did it... or so they say they didn't.

Today I flew with an amazing set of crew... But the male Korean passengers on my flight were like the least likeable on earth. They treated us like a personal maid or a psychic who'd read their minds once they thought of something. Duh!

On the way back I went with a different team and flew as a passenger. Then I got blamed for whatever mistake that one of the juniors in my set of crew had done earlier. It got the manager upset and the junior on the flight where I was supposedly not even working even had the nerve to scold--no one else but--me. I'm pretty sure that had I been Korean, that junior won't even have the least confidence to tell me of "my" mistake; that of which I didn't even commit in the first place. She just got lucky that I had a good flight before she did that or else I would have retorted angrily with something condescending till she doesn't understand a single English word I'm saying!

Until I Don't Know What It Is Anymore

When you can't cry anymore, when you run out of tears, how do you express your sadness? When frowning just won't make it...

I have practically given up on myself. I used to have everything going on for me, and now that's just not the case. For a month or so already, I have not been talking much to people the way I used to. Everyone would just throw me "why's" or "how's," and I just won't be able to come up with a single answer. It makes me want to dig deeper into the ground and just bury myself, so that people would just stop noticing.

I had basically lost everything. I don't have a dream, I don't have goals. I don't have a plan and summarizing it all up, I don't have a life. What's the sense in living if you don't have a life? The depression is unbearable. But I guess in a sense, I deserve all these.

If tomorrow I don't wake up, I want everyone to know that you can't judge me from hearsay nor from what I say because believe me, that's just half the story. I love, loved, until I don't know what love is anymore.

Sympathy

My condolences to Bianca and her family. A few days ago five men broke into their house, robbed them and stabbed her grandmother to death. In Bianca's own words, "there is no way to justify" all of these.

I wish them strength and peace of mind.

Answers

When finally you get the answers and it still doesn't feel any better, what hope is there that tomorrow will be? Though the last piece of the puzzle is finally in place, I still feel incomplete. I feel inadequate.

All this time I was blaming myself; that maybe I didn't do enough, or all of these are results of my weakness, mistakes and inadequacy. Then finally the bomb drops and you realize that all along, it wasn't even you. It should have made me feel better, knowing it wasn't me... But then it didn't.