Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Dumbing Sensation

I feel incompetent and worthless. And it sucks even more when I don't know where all these are coming from. I'm scared when I don't have the answers, or when I'm unable to make the simplest decisions. Used to be that I'm this uber-confident person but right now I just feel plain dumb and stupid--that sometimes no matter how hard I try I just can't do things right. It feels as bad as when you get stuck at 2+2 and you're at a loss then out of nowhere a 7-year old pipes in, "four." That bad.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Guilty Innocent

Sometimes I get giddily scared. Gut feel says you have to hold this thing or it would go away. There was this one day I woke up and I thought that my J isn't completely honest and loyal with me. The logical me would tell me, it's just a thought; the paranoid in me would try to find out. In as much as it takes me sometime before I actually get suspicious on people, it takes me about the same amount of time to get my suspicions off someone. And I don't want to live on suspicions every day.

I get sad when my J thinks of me that way; maybe it's the same reason why I thought J isn't honest. Because the simplest things would tick J off, because the simplest things would mean so much worse than it actually is. I start to wonder that maybe that's the way J does it that's why it freaks im out that much..

It's tough living without trust, or not being trusted, for this matter. I feel low of myself; guilty unless proven otherwise. Should it not be innocent until proven otherwise?