Thursday, October 30, 2008

The Drive

Have you ever felt like nothing--absolutely nothing--is going right with your life? That's exactly how I feel right now. I was in San Francisco the other day and I was literally crying my heart out. I slept so long (a big thanks to my sleeping pills too) to lessen the hours that I have to think things over. I'm numbing myself--the way Al would always do in times he's problematic. The last time I felt like this was February 2005.

Then you start shunning people out of your life and create your own little world where people won't ask, won't care and you won't have to explain a wee bit. I've had my life turn out exactly the way I wanted it to turn out. But right now, the way my life drives is like it's making a sharp turn without even putting the blinkers on. It doesn't really matter anymore whether the lights are green or red; I better let the people know that I'm switching my hazard lights on now, for the steering wheel has lost its grip.

It's me against the world. I'm being the trials before aren't difficult enough. I would usually just go with the flow and let my instincts, fate and God take the wheel and bring me to the path I should be on. But lately none of those that I rely on would show and lead me. It's just me, myself and I, plus the biased opinions and more confusion that is all there is to it.

I am not the person who wouldn't have answers, but as of late, my answer bank is just empty and not a single hint comes up.

The drive right now isn't even choosing on Y-road. It's wandering aimlessly at a desert and not knowing whether or not you're even on a path or you're just driving around in circles.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Yes, I'm eager to quit my job

You know you're not really into what you're doing anymore when you did something negative and you're not even bothered.

I'm writing this post as I await my showup here at the office. I was supposed to fly Bangkok today, but I went to the medical center instead to complain about my back pain that had been around for more than two weeks, and got me crying and cursing a couple of flights back. The drama doesn't end there--it hasn't even started. The doctor checks on me and the nurse hands over the meds and cool patch to me. The next step: schedule team.

I approach Ms. Yoon, the one in-charge of anything that has to do with filing for sick leaves, and recognizes me from my nametag. I propose to her that to avoid getting a miss flight record for today, I would fly my Bangkok flight, but instead of going on a layover and be back on Saturday, I said if it's possible I won't get off the plane and just go with the flight going back to Seoul. Quickturn, in short. That way, today's flight is still okay and they have more than 24hours to find someone to fly the Bangkok-Seoul leg on Saturday. Capital rule: informing the schedule team that you can't fly coz you're sick at least 24 hours before showup time.

Ms. Yoon understands and calls the schedule team. Skd team says, it's still a miss flight record since I can't fly the Bangkok-Seoul scheduled flight on Saturday. I rebut to Ms. Yoon by saying, 'if I fly to Bangkok, get sick in Bangkok and call the schedule team from Bangkok, it wouldn't be considered miss flight since I was able to inform them 24 hours prior to the flight; now how come I'm telling them 48hours ahead and they're telling me it's considered a missed flight?' We get up and go see Mr. Won, our overseas crew manager. He says the same thing: miss flight record.

Ms. Yoon looks at me and awaits for my decision. Will I fly, will I not? It took about three seconds for me to decide, "Then Ms. Yoon, I'll just miss my flight now. It doesn't make any difference that I fly Bangkok then get a miss flight record or miss my flight now and go home." To which Ms. Yoon said, "Yeah, makes sense."

You know how those Mastercard commercials are? The "priceless" tagline? The way that Mr. Won's jaw dropped as if to say, "I don't believe you're actually missing your flight," was PRICELESS. I stood up to follow Ms. Yoon and Mr. Won still can't find the words. Finally when I was almost at the door he said, "Katrina-ssi, miss flight record is serious and I'm sorry to hear that you had to have one. Take care of your health." I smiled and simply said, "Kamsahamnida, Mr. Won."

You know you hate your job when you do things to endanger your career but you don't even feel a tinge of regret. Couldn't care less. =) Can't wait to finish this contract and resign.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Reposting from ate Kaye

My second-cousin ate Kaye reposted this forwarded message on her Multiply account. Reposting.

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My husband is an Engineer by profession, I love him for his steady nature, and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders. Three years of courtship and now, two years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The reasons of me loving him before, has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness. I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings, I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband, is my complete opposite, his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about love.

One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce. "Why?" he asked, shocked. "I am tired, there are no reasons for everything in the world!" I answered. He kept silent the whole night, seems to be in deep thought with a lighted cigarette at all times. My feeling of disappointment only increased, here was a man who can't even express his predicament, what else can I hope from him? And finally he asked me:" What can I do to change your mind?" Somebody said it right, it's hard to change a person's personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him. Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered : "Here is the question, if you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind, Let's say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death, will you do it for me?" He said :" I will give you your answer tomorrow.... "

My hopes just sank by listening to his response. I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting, underneath a milk glass, on the dining table near the front door, that goes.... My dear, "I would not pick that flower for you, but please allow me to explain the reasons further.." This first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading. "When you use the computer you always mess up the Software programs, and you cry in front of the screen, I have to save my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs. You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you. You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city, I have to save my eyes to show you the way. You always have the cramps whenever your "good friend" approaches every month, I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy. You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.. You always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good for your eyes, I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails, and help to remove those annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand... and tell you the colour of flowers, just like the color of the glow on your young face.... Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do... I could not pick that flower yet, and die.. "

My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting. .. and as I continue on reading... Now, that you have finished reading my answer, if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your favorite bread and fresh milk... I rush to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of bread....

Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone... That's life, and love. When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness. Love shows up in all forms, even very small and cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be themost dull and boring form.. flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands... and that's our life... Love, not words win arguments...